And it never stops hurting.

Dad didn't actually come that evening. That was Mom pulling into the driveway and after she got in she called Dad. He said somebody fried a hospital's phone lines so they had to replace and rewire all of the phones and such, so he wouldn't be home until seven or so. I thought, well, there goes my weekend and told Cass what went down while she was away. I left my comp. for a while. Later Dad came home and asked if I still wanted to go down, because Mom and him were going to be going down to Milwaukee anyway to pick up their pot. I said no, because I figured it was sort of pointless now and assumed Cass thought of me as a burden that day.

Half an hour later, after they left, I checked my vampirefreaks.com account only to see that Cass left me a message about twenty minutes earlier, saying she still really wanted to see me and gave me directions to Dale's (her Mom's fiance) place. Right then I figured I'd made a mistake, but it was already too late, so I told Mom and Dad to drive me down on Saturday.

I guess it was my fault, all in all. I unwittingly went to bed at four or so in the morning so I was much too tired at around ten in the morning, the time I should've woken up to drive down to Cass's. I figured, once more, screw it, which I now regret. It was a perfect waste of a day.

Today I woke up around two in the PM. Ally and Celina were outside in the backyard bathing in the sun. Later, when Ally went to work, Celina and I cleaned up the canal a bit. It was so filled with trash, and many cigarette cartons. I finally tried taking a shower around seven, but it was interrupted by Mom's washing machine, so I barely managed to get some conditioner in my hair. I was pissed, but I felt happier when Desparate Housewives came on. After the season finale, Mom asked me if I was done with my work. I said no, I still have to finish Prealgebra and English Honors. Ally said I'm trying to prolong it as much as possible so I can keep my laptop, as if that were a bad thing...wanting to keep my iBook, I mean. Then Mom said I should concentrate on my studies before friends--I forgot where that came from--and then I got pissed again. I said, "Well, I think Cassandra is pretty important too..." and I swear, as Ally, Mom, and Celina got up to leave the room, they all said, "Fuck Cassandra!"

I was lost. How could they say that? How could they say something SO. FUCKING. HEARTLESS?! Just because they don't fucking like Cassandra DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN SHE'S NOT *MY* FRIEND!! DOESN'T MEAN *I* DON'T LIKE HER! And I really wanted to FUCKING see her this weekend, but oh, fuck Cassandra, right? So I, in my pissed off bewildered state, yelled after them, "Fuck you, she's still MY friend! I want to see here! SO FUCK YOUR FRIENDS TOO!" I tried to keep my composure but I decided it would be best if I got up to my room as soon as possible to let it out. Why is everyone so heartless? Why am I the only one who cares about EVERYBODY? I've been thinking the last couple of days, I have nothing to cry about. I don't really profit to this household. I'm content with mediocrity and a lack of a social life. So what do I care?

Well, turns out, I care. A lot. I'm going to have to give up my laptop soon, what has been my only good friend this year, I never see my friends who I actually give two shits about, I don't have a social life to miss when we move to Canada, this home-schooling deal has been a complete rip, and I'm going to have to deal with moving from my home...again. I know everyone will have to deal with this, but it's especially hard on me. This has been MY home. MY sanctuary. I never LEAVE this place. SO FUCK YOU! I try SO HARD to be a good person for everybody else but no one really cares! No one really gives a shit about me, despite what they might say.

And nobody's going to miss me. This isn't me being emo!Brandi, this is me being BRANDI. It's just...my life is like a lie. What if all of this is an elaborate dream? What if I never really left Milwaukee? What if I was happy again?

What if?

And I really wish somebody would supervise those kids outside. It's almost ten at night for Chrissakes. I cried for Cassandra, for my laptop, for this home, and for those kids outside who aren't being brought up right. How do I know this? It's almost ten at night and a bunch of kids are running around with a bunch of wheelers, screaming their heads off while their parents stand on the sidelines, busying themselves with their own pathetic thoughts and quarrels.

Well now they're gone. But you get the point.

I'm so tired of teenagers. "I'm not okay...I promise." Isn't that how those PATHETIC, WEAK, SHITTY ANGSTY lyrics go? I fucking hate emo music. Yep, fuck off, I hate it with a passion. You know what, how about YOU try and make better of your disgusting existence for once? Yeah, we've all got emotions, DUH, but isn't that apart of maturing? What is this, writing some trashy love song everytime a chick in your math class breaks up with you? That's not emotion. That's pitiful. Your emotion disgusts me, because it's so shallow and full of shit it makes me want to vomit spontaneously all over your Converse shoes and acoustic guitars until the blood vessels in my eyes burst and leave a bloody, emo tear trail down my cheek. Yes, I am okay, I promise. I cry, I let my emotions out, so now I'm okay. What's so difficult about my life? What's so difficult about YOUR life you wretched sap? Change is scary, but it's up to you to make the best of it. I'm not going to like the changes in my life again, but I'm going to deal with it, because that's what a healthy human being tries to do. Fucking emo kids, get a life already. They sound so proud when they claim they're emo, too. I can't stand emotionally unstable people. I get pissed, I get sad, I get really depressed, but I will never sink myself to your level.

Maybe that's why I don't have any friends? Thank Buddha, then. The last thing I need is an emo friend, trust me. I'm tolerable, and if you're polite I'll respect you, but I can't respect weak people. They leave the taste of bile at the back of my tongue. Yeah, I consider myself to be strong, and it's all right to be weak once in a while, but at least TRY to make your life a little better, even if it means sedating yourself with bliss. I like possitivity, so ignore that previous paragraph. Yeah, I also get pissed too, big surprise there, huh? I don't think anybody actually considers the value of my existence, no, but I still like myself. I just don't really like other people. Don't burden yourself with other people's shit. If they have a problem, well, that's THEIR problem. Be yourself. Be happy. Fuckers.

What's wrong with me?