Hey, I remember this.  It was a short blog, but my attention span for journals is that of a rodent's, so I guess I could've predicted this.  I haven't even written in my own journal lately.

I think it's funny how time passes, and you're kind of left in the dusk.  It's like, last year I was elated but miserable at the same time, but this year I'm just all-around content.  I GREATLY suffer in math now thanks to you, Prealgebra!  Socials didn't matter anyway, considering it had very little to do with Canadian government.  Biology...well, I could have benifitted from that.

But what I most regret is leaving behind my beloved iBook.  I still miss it a lot.  These Windows laptops are by definition SHIT and are nothing compared to the sleak, compatible system of Macs.  What I wouldn't give for that old friend back.

Last year, I didn't know where I'd be or what I'd look like today, I didn't even think about it.  Every other year, I imagined myself at sixteen with kicking hair and knee-high combat boots, but I've remained my same mundane self like always.  I do plan on getting a new haircut this summer, but it just weirds me out on how little things have changed.  I do believe my writing skills have (obviously) suffered since that time, though, and I'm an infinite less cynical (okay, so I've retained a lot of my pessimism).  I've just been walking through life, whereas last year I was just...sitting through life.  Nothing much has changed.  I have new friends, and I haven't talked to old friends in months.  I wish I didn't have one of the new friends I've required (she's really needy), but those are the breaks.  I can't believe it's been an entire year.  This April I've been trying to convine myself that 2005 wasn't as far as it seemed, and I could touch those memories if I just reached out and tried.  I was reminded of those memories tonight.  Even though I only got six hours of sleep, and I'm about to slaughter sheep in my wake right now, I remain awake at this laptop like old times.  I remember I used to stay up late and read editorials off of snopes.com 'til dawn, downloading a scanlation here and there and even doing the deed to a few porno clips.  I also remember that I was socially inept.  Every one of Ally's friends, I didn't know how to talk to, so I resorted to a blunt front and awkward conversation about whatever came to mind.  This year, I'm much more socially aware.  I do think it's important to secure those kinds of mannerisms in your nature now, lest you end up looking like an ass.

I don't want that year to be far off.  I want to touch it, like before, and remember all the good times (as well as the bad).  I want to be better off than my 'friends' in Milwaukee (they're more like estranged penpals now) and have my privacy back.  I cherished privacy above all last year.  It was my only recluse.  Now, I barely have anything.  Celina's been gone that past two days at a camping trip, and while I miss her neurotic, paranoid behavior, it's been nice having the room all to myself again.  REALLY nice.  I want that feeling back.  The feeling that I belonged to me and that nobody else really mattered, as long as I had my iBook.

But it's gone.  Not forever, though.  It'll be back.  That's why I need to become a successful author.  I need to become somebody who can rely soley on herself and have all the privacy she can wrap herself in.  I don't know what I'm going to do with my life anymore.  I've never had the time to write, and when I do, I either read a book, play a game, watch TV, or read scanlations.  There are so many other things I could be doing, you know?  Who has time for writing?  I've been waiting for inspiration, and even the death of Keira hasn't given me any.  I need a muse, something that can springboard me back into my former sense of stunted aspiration.  I want full understanding and love.  I won't get that from my friends, it isn't the same.

I also need to sleep.  And brush my teeth.  And pee.  But not in that order.  I hope you'll forgive my laziness--I think I've been lazier than when I actually had the liberty to be lazy.  But it'll all change with time, it always does.

-BV

Mom came into my room earlier while I was watching GTO. She said they absolutely had to send back my poor iBook tomorrow, and I gave her that, "You're killing me inside and I'll mourn for months" face. Maybe they're both aware of how much this laptop means to me. Yeah, it means A LOT. I love it to death and I'll hate to see it go...

I wish they had warned me last night or something so I would've been like, "Shit, gotta copy everything onto blank discs!" already. I mean I have been but I still have a lot to burn and trash. Half of me is prepared to give it away, the other half is saying, "Fight to the death!" I'm going to hide it under my bed so that they don't send it back while I'm asleep or something. I'll try my best to convince them...of what, I don't know, do I really deserve this iBook? I think my sanity does, and that's no over-exaggeration.

Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. I'm not a greedy person (for the most part). Just let me keep this one shred of home left and I'll never ask for anything ever again (except for on holidays). I don't feel this is the end for my iBook and me, but I'm scared. I don't know what I'll do without it again. We've had a lot of great memories, Whitey Jr. (Whitey Sr. being my silver mp3 player, of course). I'll never forget you. You got me through a lot of tough and great times, and for that I thank you.

We move to Canada Friday. Why do I feel like I want to cry but I can't? I should let it out before we start the drive. I hope it isn't too long.

Farewell to everything I've grown accustomed too once more. I love you all. Please don't forget me...because I never forget the people and things I have to part with.

I will learn to say good-bye again.

-Grimster

I just got done talking with Mandi (friend since kindergarten, she's a bit of a poseur but it's tolerable to a degree). She gushed about how much she's going to miss her guy friends (Bronson, Nick, Greg, etc) when she has to leave for three days to go up-north...or something like that. She was telling this to her friend of nine years who was about to be moving to an entirely different country in a matter of weeks. Who would do that? Who would boast about how much they're going to miss their friends, who they've only known for half a year, while they'll be gone for three days to a friend they've known since kindergarten, who's going to be leaving this country forever? People don't realize how fucked up their words are at the time they say them, but do they ever actually realize the impact they've caused anyway?

It's not like I'm DEEPLY insulted to the point of misty eyes or anything, I'm just pondering back, "Huh, that was rather insensitive of her, and I bet she'll never realize it." She isn't too bright to begin with, either. Also, when I said that we'd send her a plane ticket next summer or this winter break, she was more concerned with having to fly than being able to see her 'best' friend for a week or so. Just goes to show that there's really no depth to 'best friend'. It's a bullshit word. Cass puts Ryne first and Mandi the same with her new friends, so where does this place me? Where am I on the friend scale? Well, that's all right. I put myself before any of them anyway, but I guess they miss the significance in that. Why does everybody need to verify their existence through another human being? Who cares? Outside my family, people are shit to me, especially friends...but maybe that's me being cynical.

I'm addicted to Harvest Moon 64 again. I started a new game and because this is the second time around, I'm catching a lot more things than before and making friends with the village faster. Gah, but great, Karen's in love with me again (she was my wife in a previous game that's at its 6th Spring now) and I want to marry Ellie. She's a tough bitch to please, though. Very costly. All you have to do for Karen is give her wildberries, show her your dog a million times, and just talk to her. Aw, but she's an awesome character. Ellie doesn't really have much character to her, whereas Karen is kickin' with personality. ...And yes, I'm a little TOO addicted to the game. Well, whatever, if I end up with Karen again I guess I'm okay with that, but I'd rather marry someone else this time.

And I should be doing my Pre-Algebra now, shouldn't I?! Ally's Asian guy-friend is coming over tomorrow, and supposedly he's really hot. Lest we hope! Night!

-Grimster

I got my Quarter 3 report card...again. Mom had asked for them to send ALLY'S report card from when she was enrolled the first semester, but they sent my report card...aagain. Since I have it at hand now, I'll tell you my, er, 'grades' (I being incomplete and U being unsatisfactory):

Pre-Algebra:
Semester 1 - I
Quarter 3 - U
Notes: Well, that's only the be expected, though I am trying to get caught up. Because Pre-Algebra is fairly easy, comprehensible, and makes it easy as Paris Hilton to cheat, I'll hopefully be done by...well, before school officially ends. She never did get back to me on when it's all due.

American Lit:
Semester 1: A-
Notes: Cool. I did the last section on The Great Gatsby half-assed so I'm pretty surprised that I managed an A.

Biology:
Semester 1: I
Quarter 3: I
His Notes: Is more than two weeks behind pace for courses.
Notes: Welp...that's how the cookie crumbles. If that held any relevance. I'm surprised I got just an 'I' for both of them, since even though I did finish the quizzes, I never got pass Lesson 2 of the Discussion Board assignments. Thing is, I found it not worth my time and the other students to either be dumbasses or suck-ups on the boards. I hate both kinds. WHY must I communicate with the other students that make ME feel ashamed to be home-schooled? That's why I chose home-schooling, so I wouldn't have to make verbal contact with anybody else outside my household! Do they not understand this? Soo, I gave up on those assignments long ago. It just pissed me off and profited little to my education, and I don't associate myself with unproductive innuendo. Curse me.

Civics Honor:
Semester 1: C+
Quarter 3: U
Notes: Hoo boy. Well I do NOT understand that C+ because I finished (just about) every damn thing for him, so what's that rotting beef about? And like I've said, I quit doing American Gov. because I'm moving to Canada in a matter of weeks and I'm so behind to begin with it'd be pointless to try and catch up now. Sad as that sounds. Not to mention I have those Honors Activites in addition to Lessons 4-6 I never completed. Whoopsies.

English 2 Honors:
Semester 1: A-
Quarter 3: A+
Her Notes: Has not logged into course on a regular basis.
Notes: You see the thing about that is.....wait. I got A's for BOTH Semester 1 and Quarter 3? Can you say kickass? See, this is all they need to see for whatever arts college I plan on mooching my way through. I always get A's in any English and Literature class I take. I plan on becoming a novelist, so who cares about Biology and Pre-fucking-Algebra? Ah, this makes me want to persue finishing my last lesson a bit faster...I only have Lesson 6 journal left to do, too! God I kickass! I had no idea I was getting A's in this class, but how could I ever under-estimate myself? I should've taken those A+'s on my journals as a hint. Who cares if I'm not making a daily effort to log in when I'm exceeding myself anyway?

Health:
Semester 1: ...It's blank.
Quarter 3: B
Notes: Er....whooo! I finished this course long ago. Not much to touch on here.

Other that that, I had this weird dream about beating up these hot rapists with a broom and woke up to the sight of fishing haphazardly splashing in the canal. It was the weirdist act I've ever witnessed from those fish and they're pretty damn huge, too! My first thought was that they were performing a ritual for a larger fish to make an extravagent entrace into our canal and devour all the rednecks who throw their beer cans wherever they damn please, but that awesome explanation was fleeting. My next one was that, hey, maybe they're mating? But aren't fish asexual? Oh, wait, Ally just came home and I asked her. She said that fish have genders (for the most part) and that when they lay their eggs, the male fish come and inject their sperm into the eggs. Can't believe I forgot that. Well, either way, I still consider that RATHER asexual because they don't actually perform intercourse. So then what the fuck are those fish doing? Having a day in the park? Is it some sort of annual welcoming of the coming season?

Well, anyway, my weekend kind of sucked. I'll sum it up into: I got my period Friday, all they had were tampons, I detest tampons, so I made due with making pads out of toilet paper wads the entire weekend. I didn't tell Cassandra because I knew she'd get pissed that I forgot pads or something and it would only cause trouble for her. To make matters worst, on Saturday, we were required to paint the ENTIRE basement with no rewards. No, going home the next day was my reward. Cass's mom WAS going to take us to Borders Sunday (ha, and me without money), but Celina called the night before and said they had to pick me up by two so that they could pick Ally up from work or something by the time they got home. Seriously, the highlight of my weekend was having a few chats with Cass, finishing A Separate Peace, and going home.

When we got back to Oshkosh, we went in Wal-mart for a while, where I first discovered how fucking huge it is. I always compared them in contrast with Walgreens because, well, the 'wal' in both names doesn't set a unique image for both, but it turns out that Wal-mart IS in fact an empire of its own. For the record, I hate Wal-mart with a passion and being in there for such a long period of time disgusted me, but Mom did buy me the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Ever since the 6th grade, I've seen the book around in stores but because of the cover (er...pants), it kind of deterred me from looking into it. Now with the new movie coming out, I've decided I need to read the book before seeing it because, well, I hate seeing a good movie without having read the better book first. Like with what happened with The Princess Diaries. Which, by the way, I still need to get the latest book for.

Memorial Day was pretty cool, but the rednecks across the canal were horribly annoying. I was TRYING to get some reading done in the backyard but those dipshits apparently REEEALLY like their Creed and Disturbed, two of the lamest bands on my hit-list...of all time. It's like the only band they listen to is either Creed of Disturbed. WHY? I'd prefer hip hip or bluegrass to that crap.

Aand, to top it all off, I burned all of my JRock mp3's onto blank CD's. I was unable to get 800 MB blanks. Curses. They exist, they're just exceedingly hard to find...especially in Wal-mart, apparently. Maybe Best Buy holds them in their bosom of their technological department! (did that make sense?) It's something to look into, yes.

Now Ally's talking. Talking, talking, talking...about her fantabulous day. She likes this Asian guy in school who speaks some Japanese as well, and she invited him over Friday. Whoooo. Well, I hope he's cute. That's all I'm gonig to add. I really want to play Harvest Moon 64 now, so once Ally's done giggling a hole through my ear (I kid, I kid...but seriously), I'm gonna go upstairs. See ya!

-Grimster

I think I may be enjoying A Separate Peace as much as I am because I secretly invision Gene and Finny as having a forbidden gay love for each other. It's so there. "Gene, you're my best friend," Finny sighed, curled in a cocoon of his sand dune. Gene furrowed his brows and kept silent. 'I couldn't say anything because the truth might have come out...that is I love you, Finny! Please accept my undying passion for you!' Gene thought with a frustration in his loins.

I don't know why people trash the book like they do. I mean, sure, I didn't really enjoy The Great Gatsby because I HAD to read it for class in a minimal amount of time. The same goes for A Separate Peace, and it's probably just as long, but I feel that I can relate with the characters a bit more because they're more around my age and, well, attractive. As much as I've said I hate Orlando Bloom, I picture him as Gene, don't ask. In the beginning I gave all of the characters English accents because, well, Orlando Bloom is British (I think?), but when I found out that it is in fact an American-based book, I was a little crest-fallen. No more British accents at risk of being OOC.

The point is, the only reason people might have hated this book is because they hated their English teacher and the fact that they had to read a book they had no interest in for a mere grade. I find that bogus; of the English teachers, that is. I hate it when you're forced to read something you have no desire in reading, either...but then again, don't call the book shit just because you're too incompetent to value it's retrospective insight for its time and relation in common era.

Anyway, it's a pretty cool book, but that may be because it reminds me of The Emperor's Club. That was a good movie. Was there a book for that? I still have a lot of books I'd like to read, but....eh. School ends in like...two weeks maximum for me. Better get crackin'!

-Grimster

And it never stops hurting.

Dad didn't actually come that evening. That was Mom pulling into the driveway and after she got in she called Dad. He said somebody fried a hospital's phone lines so they had to replace and rewire all of the phones and such, so he wouldn't be home until seven or so. I thought, well, there goes my weekend and told Cass what went down while she was away. I left my comp. for a while. Later Dad came home and asked if I still wanted to go down, because Mom and him were going to be going down to Milwaukee anyway to pick up their pot. I said no, because I figured it was sort of pointless now and assumed Cass thought of me as a burden that day.

Half an hour later, after they left, I checked my vampirefreaks.com account only to see that Cass left me a message about twenty minutes earlier, saying she still really wanted to see me and gave me directions to Dale's (her Mom's fiance) place. Right then I figured I'd made a mistake, but it was already too late, so I told Mom and Dad to drive me down on Saturday.

I guess it was my fault, all in all. I unwittingly went to bed at four or so in the morning so I was much too tired at around ten in the morning, the time I should've woken up to drive down to Cass's. I figured, once more, screw it, which I now regret. It was a perfect waste of a day.

Today I woke up around two in the PM. Ally and Celina were outside in the backyard bathing in the sun. Later, when Ally went to work, Celina and I cleaned up the canal a bit. It was so filled with trash, and many cigarette cartons. I finally tried taking a shower around seven, but it was interrupted by Mom's washing machine, so I barely managed to get some conditioner in my hair. I was pissed, but I felt happier when Desparate Housewives came on. After the season finale, Mom asked me if I was done with my work. I said no, I still have to finish Prealgebra and English Honors. Ally said I'm trying to prolong it as much as possible so I can keep my laptop, as if that were a bad thing...wanting to keep my iBook, I mean. Then Mom said I should concentrate on my studies before friends--I forgot where that came from--and then I got pissed again. I said, "Well, I think Cassandra is pretty important too..." and I swear, as Ally, Mom, and Celina got up to leave the room, they all said, "Fuck Cassandra!"

I was lost. How could they say that? How could they say something SO. FUCKING. HEARTLESS?! Just because they don't fucking like Cassandra DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN SHE'S NOT *MY* FRIEND!! DOESN'T MEAN *I* DON'T LIKE HER! And I really wanted to FUCKING see her this weekend, but oh, fuck Cassandra, right? So I, in my pissed off bewildered state, yelled after them, "Fuck you, she's still MY friend! I want to see here! SO FUCK YOUR FRIENDS TOO!" I tried to keep my composure but I decided it would be best if I got up to my room as soon as possible to let it out. Why is everyone so heartless? Why am I the only one who cares about EVERYBODY? I've been thinking the last couple of days, I have nothing to cry about. I don't really profit to this household. I'm content with mediocrity and a lack of a social life. So what do I care?

Well, turns out, I care. A lot. I'm going to have to give up my laptop soon, what has been my only good friend this year, I never see my friends who I actually give two shits about, I don't have a social life to miss when we move to Canada, this home-schooling deal has been a complete rip, and I'm going to have to deal with moving from my home...again. I know everyone will have to deal with this, but it's especially hard on me. This has been MY home. MY sanctuary. I never LEAVE this place. SO FUCK YOU! I try SO HARD to be a good person for everybody else but no one really cares! No one really gives a shit about me, despite what they might say.

And nobody's going to miss me. This isn't me being emo!Brandi, this is me being BRANDI. It's just...my life is like a lie. What if all of this is an elaborate dream? What if I never really left Milwaukee? What if I was happy again?

What if?

And I really wish somebody would supervise those kids outside. It's almost ten at night for Chrissakes. I cried for Cassandra, for my laptop, for this home, and for those kids outside who aren't being brought up right. How do I know this? It's almost ten at night and a bunch of kids are running around with a bunch of wheelers, screaming their heads off while their parents stand on the sidelines, busying themselves with their own pathetic thoughts and quarrels.

Well now they're gone. But you get the point.

I'm so tired of teenagers. "I'm not okay...I promise." Isn't that how those PATHETIC, WEAK, SHITTY ANGSTY lyrics go? I fucking hate emo music. Yep, fuck off, I hate it with a passion. You know what, how about YOU try and make better of your disgusting existence for once? Yeah, we've all got emotions, DUH, but isn't that apart of maturing? What is this, writing some trashy love song everytime a chick in your math class breaks up with you? That's not emotion. That's pitiful. Your emotion disgusts me, because it's so shallow and full of shit it makes me want to vomit spontaneously all over your Converse shoes and acoustic guitars until the blood vessels in my eyes burst and leave a bloody, emo tear trail down my cheek. Yes, I am okay, I promise. I cry, I let my emotions out, so now I'm okay. What's so difficult about my life? What's so difficult about YOUR life you wretched sap? Change is scary, but it's up to you to make the best of it. I'm not going to like the changes in my life again, but I'm going to deal with it, because that's what a healthy human being tries to do. Fucking emo kids, get a life already. They sound so proud when they claim they're emo, too. I can't stand emotionally unstable people. I get pissed, I get sad, I get really depressed, but I will never sink myself to your level.

Maybe that's why I don't have any friends? Thank Buddha, then. The last thing I need is an emo friend, trust me. I'm tolerable, and if you're polite I'll respect you, but I can't respect weak people. They leave the taste of bile at the back of my tongue. Yeah, I consider myself to be strong, and it's all right to be weak once in a while, but at least TRY to make your life a little better, even if it means sedating yourself with bliss. I like possitivity, so ignore that previous paragraph. Yeah, I also get pissed too, big surprise there, huh? I don't think anybody actually considers the value of my existence, no, but I still like myself. I just don't really like other people. Don't burden yourself with other people's shit. If they have a problem, well, that's THEIR problem. Be yourself. Be happy. Fuckers.

What's wrong with me?

Yeah, like it's MY fault my dad is an irresponsible dick. I logged on AIM at 5:15 to tell Cassandra, "Welp, my dad isn't here yet, so I'll be a while, okay?" but she IMed me before I did, pissed off. Yesterday she told me to be there between like 3-4:30, and I thought she meant at minimum, like she had to be somewhere before then. Well today she tells me that she has to watch over Deja, THAT'S why I had to be early, something she DIDN'T tell me yesterday so like it's my fault I didn't tell me dad it was rather vital what time I'm supposed to be there! And I've been TRYING to call him like a BILLION times and he won't answer his damn cellphone! GAH! So now Cass's mom is pissed because of something that was out of my hands in the first place, and what a lovely atmosphere that'll be like when I arrive. Now I don't really want to go, but oh well! It's all MY fault to begin with, right? She didn't come right out and say it, but you could tell she was being accusing.

We watched The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou today. It was pretty kickass, considering I thought it wouldn't be so upbeat and hilarious. I mean sure, I knew I'd like it, but not as much as I do now.

Last night--er, this morning--I finally logged into my homepage and opened up a Prealgebra quiz. It surprised me that I actually wanted to finish it. I realized this when I looked about my room for a pen and notebook to do a certain problem properly, instead of guessing or relying on my train of thought to do it. Whilst doing my Prealgebra, I put in Zetsuai since 1989 and Bronze, the anime I downloaded.

Oh shit, here he is! See ya!

School ends in two weeks for me. Well, *technically* three weeks, but if it's all the same. I don't think I'll mind not having a summer to myself and the other Stooges again because this entire year has practically been a vacation all in itself, but it'll sort of suck. Like, "Oh, you're on your vacation now, huh? Welp, I'm packing yet AGAIN this summer and even moving to another country in the midst of this humidity! It'll probably take three days to drive to our destination as well and to top it all off I have to give away what's been my best friend all year long, good ol' iBook. Imagine that. Now what's that you were saying about going swimming?"

Come to think, it's not THAT hot out lately. In fact, it's pretty cold, which is a little weird. It was pouring out earlier (it being 3:50 AM right now) for a good three hours straight. Awesome. Rain really cheers me up.

I'm a little tired right now and I know I should do something, ANYTHING for 'school' but I feel too drained to even log into my homepage. I don't do that often anymore; actually logging in, I mean. They don't give a shit. I can't really bring myself to bring a shit. I'm a very unmotivated person. How will I make a living during college? Well, considering I'm going to be living alone (or with Ally) in some small apartment and hopefully be working at a bookstore until I publish a novel, I guess it won't be too difficult. Then again...

I don't really fear failing my classes. Especially American Gov., because like I've said before...I'm never going to use that information in my future, let alone retain it. The only thing I actually fear is disappointing Mom, which is motivation in itself but not nearly enough.

I'm going to Cass's Friday; don't know what we'll be doing come to think. Probably nothing, like we usually do...er, not do. Oh well, at least I'll get my Hana-kimi vol. 1 back. I haven't been by her place since the 'incident' between me and a popular guy amongst our social circle, something I really don't feel like going into right now. I'm over it in whole, but I've vented about it so many times directly after it happened that it feels pointless to write about again.

Which is another thing. What is an essay, anyway? All you're REALLY doing is regurgitating information to somebody who is probably already aware of such repetitive enlightenment, and even if they aren't aware of it beforehand, all YOU'RE really doing is repeating what somebody else has written in a different format of words. It's a cycle of "this is never going to come in handy in any career I actually pursue" bullshit. You're just reassuring your instructor that you've learned something from the lesson and know what you're talking about, so what's the big deal? Why do I need to PROOVE that I know what I know? Isn't it good enough for you that I know it? Why do I need to prove such trivialities to somebody who has some degree in teaching English or literature? And do teachers ever go insane from teaching the same crap, assigning the same projects, and making the students repeat what they've learned that you've already taught them and know year after year after year?

Being a teacher must really suck, but that's no excuse to keep in check of my own laziness. It's their damn career choice, make sure your students are on task for once! They don't give a shit. Home-school teachers REALLY don't give a shit because they're not the ones teaching you, the home-schooled students' text books are, so all they're really doing is baby-sitting on top of teaching their own ACTUAL students in an actual public school system. They suck at baby-sitting and shouldn't get paid for their lack of attentiveness. So you correct my work and make sure I know what I probably already knew, big deal.
Ally told me the other day that I need to do my Prealgebra after I told her that I'm way behind. I said that I'll never use it in the present or future so I don't really care, and she said yes I will because I'll have to know it in order to learn next year's Algebra, and the Algebra following that, and the Algebra following that. So really, all she was saying is that I need to learn Prealgebra this year so that I can continue learning crap I'll never use in my lifetime throughout highschool until I enter the real world where I'll probably never use said crap ever again. I know basic math, so do I really need to know what x equals beyond that?

I'm smart. Initially. I don't think intelligence is based upon your GPA. You could have a 4.0 and still be a complete idiot in my book. I have common sense, but I'm realistically lazy. Secular humanism is pretty depressing...in a non-depressing way. See, I'm smart already.

Welp, I should probably at least TRY to read A Separate Peace now since I'm obviously not gonna write that one essay for English anytime soon. Here's to a sucky, procrastination-prone week!

-Grimster

My life isn't all that interesting; as if that's supposed to catch your attention and keep you from clicking out of this blog. I'm a home-schooled 9th grade student who doesn't do her work, wastes her days by reading scanlations she's downloaded off manga sites, does NOT get out much at all, lives an hour and a half away from all her friends (who don't really seem like they mind my existence much anyway), and plans on failing American Gov. because she'll be moving to Canada in a matter of months.

July 6th: Mom set the date. Whoa, mind-blow, huh? Ya see, I'm REALLY behind in Prealgebra. I haven't done it since Octover. ::gasp:: I know. It's pathetic. I'm almost done with English Honors, completely done with Health, not really done with Biology but I gave up on that class long ago, and am pretty behind on American Gov. but who cares because I don't plan on living in America again after I migrate to Canada with my family. It's like what're the administrators of my next school in Canada gonna say when they see I've failed American Gov.? "Welp, I see your GPA fell drastically because you failed your former country's class on their politcal system...so, uh, do we put you in Canadian Gov. now or what?" My teacher for that class is a douche bag, anyway. He seems really into the American system. I'd be at ease if I actually knew what party he supported.

I don't know, it's one of my character flaws. I can't fully respect you if you aren't liberal minded, which I'm sure is what conservatives think as well. There's really no excuse for being a conservative in my book. Even if you've sorted out all the logistics for why you think the way you do and why you support president Bush, you're just not seeing the big picture. I'm an independent liberal...there's really no other way to put it. Liberal and democrat and two separate things entirely: I rather loathe democrats to be frank. Liberal independents tend to be more pissed off with the government, and I can't fathom as to HOW Republicans are always pissed off. I mean you basically control the government already, what's they're left to get your raunchy panties in a twist?!

But anyway. I don't like to debate with others about my beliefs because I already know what they're going to say, no matter how open-minded they might be about their conservatism. It's always this circular, redundant conversation filled with spiteful words and restrained sarcasm...I really give up. And whenever I get into some political debate with someone, I always don't want them to get pissed off with me so I just nod my head and pretend to be at an understanding with them anyway...even when I'm thinking, "Oh my Buddha somebody stuff a Confederate flag down your blubbering mouth you fascist fucktard because you obviously have no idea what you're talking about." But this is usually with the stupid conservatives. There are intelligent ones out there, but...not really.

Yeah, okay, I'm a bleeding heart. I can cry at the drop of a pin if the mood's right, like if I read ANY manga (Japanese graphic novels to the clueless) that has one of my supposed favorite characters, a character I've grown to love, cheating on his lover/love that was JUST about to confess to him (COUGH, Parfait Tic..), I swear to Buddha I will start bawling into my teddy bear, Tax. It really hurts whenever something like that happens because it only summons really bad memories for me from my past. Three years ago my Dad cheated on my Mom with several other women, but although we've gotten over it now (well, I guess not fully) and Mom didn't divorce him because of financial reasons (not to mention he tried comitting suicide and got put in a psych-ward after Mom kicked him out for a week, a WEEK), my sisters and I have dealt with it in our own fucked up ways. Ally, my older 17-year-old sis, hates men. I guess she's always sort of hated them, but I think the whole 'Dad' thing really pushed her to the limit. She plays them unknowingly and plots her sadist revenge on guys who just don't get the picture (well, let's just say she flirts with other guys and acts condescending towards aforementioned males who still think they like her). Celina, my younger 12-year-old sis, is really distant and acts dorky to make up for her awkwardness towards us.

I, on the other hand, am fine with males. In fact, I love them...well, maybe that's just gay guys, then. I love yaoi but I'm not some slobbering fangirl: I just REALLY like bishounen and biseinen gettin' their groove on together. I like cute guys and scout them whenever I can, but I'll never feed into their egotism by giving them my possitive attention (so far...). Yet, in the midst of all that, if a guy cheats on his girlfriend...it's over. I think I'd kill a guy if he EVER cheated on me, and Ally agrees. When we're older, we told Celina that we're all gonna have a speed dial to contact all of us at once if a guy EVER does anything to one of us: emotionall and/or physically. You should've seen my mom go crazy on my dad when she found out he tried making contact with his former....'mistress' like the second to last day of school for the 7th grade (for me, that is). Well, I didn't actually SEE her do it, but they told me when I got home from school that she throttled him and took the dartboard he bought them for their anniversary out to the parking lot and smashed it to bits. She later regretted taking her anger out on such a nice dartboard and bought another one of the same type after the clouds cleared. But this is besides the point. Point being, my mom gave us her indignant, strong blood, so if a guy EVER brought us any harm...well, let's just say I fear the outcome would leave me in jail. Heh heh, forget I said that...

Wait, this is all besides the point, too. I'm moving to Canada, there we go. My sisters and I call it Canadia out of some humourous spite; I think when one of Ally's friends said she was a half-Canadian from Canadia. I forget it's lineage, but whatever, it's Canadia now. I don't think blog entries are supposed to be this long, but whatever.

Hey, I'm not REALLY so formal and blah, seriously. I'm usually funny, LOVE cute things, and sarcastic, but since this is my first blog entry on my life...well, yeah. I guess I'll chronologize my slow journey to Vancouver (Burnaby?), Canada and the days leading up to it. You know, I guess I do have a somewhat interesting life....

It's just INREDIBLY uneventful. That doesn't mean it's entirely boring, though, or that I'm unhappy with my social life. People can't seem to wrap their minds around the fact that I like being alone. In fact, I PREFER it. I think this whole home-schooling experience has taught me a lot about myself and the world around me. It's allowed me to grow an unshallow, optimstic mind while retaining it's realistic outlook. I think everyone needs to be secluded at some point in their lives to truly understand and appreciate the world around them...especially themselves. I can't stand people with low self-esteems. LOVE yourself, and fix the things about you that you don't like in reflection. It might take sometime (internally and externally), but it's always worth it. Self-value is ALWAYS necessary to continue a healthy mental growth, but don't let it get out of hand...like you're not some dogmatist, okay?

Psychologist Brandi is gonna take a break now. Hopefully in my next entry I won't be as serious...but this isn't my journal, though. I already have one (in a document), this is just a half-Canadian's update on her pilgrimage to the great north.

Welp, here's hoping Canada doesn't blow. Cheers!

-Grimster