Hey, I remember this.  It was a short blog, but my attention span for journals is that of a rodent's, so I guess I could've predicted this.  I haven't even written in my own journal lately.

I think it's funny how time passes, and you're kind of left in the dusk.  It's like, last year I was elated but miserable at the same time, but this year I'm just all-around content.  I GREATLY suffer in math now thanks to you, Prealgebra!  Socials didn't matter anyway, considering it had very little to do with Canadian government.  Biology...well, I could have benifitted from that.

But what I most regret is leaving behind my beloved iBook.  I still miss it a lot.  These Windows laptops are by definition SHIT and are nothing compared to the sleak, compatible system of Macs.  What I wouldn't give for that old friend back.

Last year, I didn't know where I'd be or what I'd look like today, I didn't even think about it.  Every other year, I imagined myself at sixteen with kicking hair and knee-high combat boots, but I've remained my same mundane self like always.  I do plan on getting a new haircut this summer, but it just weirds me out on how little things have changed.  I do believe my writing skills have (obviously) suffered since that time, though, and I'm an infinite less cynical (okay, so I've retained a lot of my pessimism).  I've just been walking through life, whereas last year I was just...sitting through life.  Nothing much has changed.  I have new friends, and I haven't talked to old friends in months.  I wish I didn't have one of the new friends I've required (she's really needy), but those are the breaks.  I can't believe it's been an entire year.  This April I've been trying to convine myself that 2005 wasn't as far as it seemed, and I could touch those memories if I just reached out and tried.  I was reminded of those memories tonight.  Even though I only got six hours of sleep, and I'm about to slaughter sheep in my wake right now, I remain awake at this laptop like old times.  I remember I used to stay up late and read editorials off of snopes.com 'til dawn, downloading a scanlation here and there and even doing the deed to a few porno clips.  I also remember that I was socially inept.  Every one of Ally's friends, I didn't know how to talk to, so I resorted to a blunt front and awkward conversation about whatever came to mind.  This year, I'm much more socially aware.  I do think it's important to secure those kinds of mannerisms in your nature now, lest you end up looking like an ass.

I don't want that year to be far off.  I want to touch it, like before, and remember all the good times (as well as the bad).  I want to be better off than my 'friends' in Milwaukee (they're more like estranged penpals now) and have my privacy back.  I cherished privacy above all last year.  It was my only recluse.  Now, I barely have anything.  Celina's been gone that past two days at a camping trip, and while I miss her neurotic, paranoid behavior, it's been nice having the room all to myself again.  REALLY nice.  I want that feeling back.  The feeling that I belonged to me and that nobody else really mattered, as long as I had my iBook.

But it's gone.  Not forever, though.  It'll be back.  That's why I need to become a successful author.  I need to become somebody who can rely soley on herself and have all the privacy she can wrap herself in.  I don't know what I'm going to do with my life anymore.  I've never had the time to write, and when I do, I either read a book, play a game, watch TV, or read scanlations.  There are so many other things I could be doing, you know?  Who has time for writing?  I've been waiting for inspiration, and even the death of Keira hasn't given me any.  I need a muse, something that can springboard me back into my former sense of stunted aspiration.  I want full understanding and love.  I won't get that from my friends, it isn't the same.

I also need to sleep.  And brush my teeth.  And pee.  But not in that order.  I hope you'll forgive my laziness--I think I've been lazier than when I actually had the liberty to be lazy.  But it'll all change with time, it always does.

-BV